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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27376759">cast aside</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/osakiss/pseuds/osakiss'>osakiss</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Twisted-Wonderland (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Indulgent</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:01:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,078</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27376759</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/osakiss/pseuds/osakiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kalim reflects on his feelings following Jamil's overblot.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>cast aside</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>im fully caught up w twst i just wanted to write this cos. kalim. i love him a lot and wanted him to suffer hbfjnshks this is  a self indulgent mess tbh</p><p>might not make too much sense and it not exactly in character but :")</p><p>oh also kalim's feelings for jamil in this are platonic. just clarifyin</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kalim pulled the covers of his bed over his body and turned to the side, his expression void of the smile he usually cast out for others to see. His eyes were downcast, a frown tugging the corners of his lips. </p><p>He was aching. Not a physical ache where he was sore, or it hurt to move. Rather, this ache made him lack any motivation to move at all. The ache of the heart. Truth be told, Kalim wasn’t all too surprised that Jamil was overwhelmed. He was well aware the boy had too much on his plate, and Kalim tried to help out when he could. But Kalim didn’t know how to help out. All his life, he had been pampered and made sure to get what he desired. Though some things could not be granted with money nor strict demand, the things Kalim had wished for were usually attained through such methods. </p><p>Dependent. A word Kalim had grown familiar with, for it was a word he felt described him perfectly. He wasn’t able to do the most basic of tasks by himself, and left it to Jamil. Kalim was never required to do things by himself, and so he never learned. Truthfully, he was slightly ashamed of that. He saw the way everyone around him was so talented while he wasn’t. </p><p>Growing up, Jamil was made to do everything for him. Kalim didn’t know how to do anything by himself, and now he was at an age where attempting it would bother everyone around him. He was at a loss. Kalim couldn't do anything <em> but </em> depend on Jamil. But it was clear that it was too much for Jamil, and as much Kalim wished he could help out he couldn’t. Helping Jamil only created more problems for the boy to solve, and Kalim was tired of causing problems for his friend.</p><p>His… friend? He wasn’t too sure about that anymore. Kalim still loved Jamil. He grew up with the boy, playing with him each day and being taken care of by him. Even though Jamil had betrayed Kalim, it was Kalim’s own fault the boy had gone to such lengths. If he only paid closer attention to Jamil when they were young, he would have realized his friend needed his help. Kalim would have the opportunity to learn how to take care of himself without Jamil, and not require Jamil to keep him alive each and every day. Kalim could stop giving so much unnecessary work for the boy, and he might not have overblotted. </p><p>After the overblot, Kalim told Jamil he didn’t need to hold back. That they could be equals, and finally be true friends in that sense. Jamil made his opinion on Kalim known then. He laughed it off at the moment, claiming Jamil as his friend anyway despite the boy’s protests, but it stung. Kalim couldn’t live without Jamil, but Jamil’s idea of an ideal life was one without Kalim. </p><p>Kalim knew he was an airhead. Kalim was well aware of the opinion that he was too cheery, that he was too optimistic for Night Raven College. In truth, Kalim was forcing himself to be as happy as possible. He cast away any thoughts for he knew if he thought for too long, the weight of reality would crush him and he would realize how truly pathetic he was. </p><p>Pathetic, for he was unable to do anything by himself. Pathetic, for the one he loved would rather have him dead. </p><p>Thinking too much would lead Kalim to a dark place, and there was already so much gloom. He didn’t want to add on. Not to mention thinking hurt his head, that feeling bad only made him ache. The pain was unbearable, and he didn’t want to induce it. He didn’t want the pain to stick around. Always forgetting things, unreliable, impulsive, irrational. Kalim knew, but he trudged on forwards anyway. What else was he supposed to do?</p><p>Jamil made it clear as day what he thought of Kalim. The white haired boy had some slight suspicion before, suspicion that Jamil didn’t like Kalim nearly as much as Kalim liked him. But he had never once thought the boy hated him.</p><p>Except he did. Jamil detested Kalim so much he overblotted, and it was all Kalim’s fault. The blame was his to take, no matter what Jade or Floyd said. Kalim had given up his heart to Jamil, only to be deemed worthless and thrown out. </p><p>Kalim felt tears well up in his eyes, and he hiccupped. Removing the pillow from underneath his head, he put it up to his chest and squeezed while letting out his tears. The droplets cascaded down Kalim’s cheeks, his breath hitching every so often from the intensity of the ache. </p><p>It hurt. It hurt not to be loved back. </p><p>Jamil listed off everything he hated about Kalim as if he had been waiting for that moment to finally tell the dorm leader exactly what he thought of him. To finally let his “master” know how wretched he truly thought he was, and how he would never even bother speaking to him if it weren’t for his family’s ties to his. They were never friends, not really. Even if Kalim said they were, it takes two to tango. Kalim was dancing, but Jamil laid stiff in his arms. Letting Jamil go meant he was able to finally be himself without limiting himself. It also meant he was leaving Kalim.</p><p>He needed Jamil, but Jamil didn’t need him. And he never would. He desperately craved for the feeling of reciprocation, the feeling that someone cared for him just as much as he cared for others. But no such thing existed. No matter how much Kalim cared, nobody else would ever match him. The thought was salt and hand sanitizer mixed to an open wound, stinging but the dull ache of the pain hadn’t left either. </p><p>Kalim took a deep breath and sighed. That was enough thinking for the night. He would need to be cheery in the morning, and forget he ever thought such things. Forget he was ever upset, because it could make others upset. Disturb some balance he was unaware of. Sleep away all of the pain he felt. Kalim flipped the pillow to the side without tears and placed it underneath his head.</p><p>For now, he would just ignore everything and play the oblivious fool again.</p>
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